In our over-stressed and over-anxious world, middle school parents are often focused many years ahead to worry about things like SATs and how to pay for and help their child get into college. It's no wonder, given the constant stream of news on the college admissions front about how hard it is to get in!
Before I go into what you can do, I want to take a minute to ease some anxiety... There are 3800 colleges in the US. Most of them accept most of the students who apply. Yes, there is a top echelon of schools that receive huge numbers of applications, and as a result accept a very small percentage. And yes, parents of top students are aiming at those schools with a laser-like focus. And I get it. You want your child to have the best college education that money can buy. I do, too. But I also know that a college that is the right fit for your child, where they are challenged to learn but not overwhelmed, is going to be the best value for your money, whether or not there is a well-known name over the door. Studies have shown that going to college (and working hard) is what is important for future success, not necessarily going to a particular "big name" school. If you have any doubt, look at Loren Pope's excellent book "Colleges that Change Lives."
So you want your child to go college, and you want them to be well prepared to take full advantage of the experience. Middle school is an excellent time to start with some parenting strategies that will have long-term benefits. No, don't run out and buy a SAT-Question of the Day shower curtain (yes, they exist). There will be plenty of time for test prep later on. Besides, when you start with the prep too early, you also run the risk of early burnout.
Planned Obsolescence
The first step might seem antithetical, but you need to get out of the way and let them start taking responsibility for their homework and their school experience. Too many parents become overinvolved in the homework process, and actually take over the responsibility from their kids. As Michael Bradley (author of "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy") said recently: "If it matters to you more than it matters to your child, there is something wrong with this picture."
Believe it or not, middle school is an excellent time for your child to experience a taste of failure. If you step out of the way, and they get a bad grade, then they can develop the problem solving skills to turn it around. When they fail in high school, parents freak out about their permanent college record, and step in to save the situation, setting up their child for lowered self confidence, and a sense that they need rescuing. Not productive in the long run!
Of course you are not going to let them flunk out of school or turn your back when they need your help, but the bottom line is that our job as parents is about planned obsolescence. If you are doing it right, you are working your way out of the job of hands on parent, step by step and into the role of consultant or mentor. More on this in another post....
Take to the Road
The second thing you can do in middle school is to start visiting colleges. No, don't take the tours and the info sessions, but go to a local college and watch a theater or dance performance, root for a sports team, or just walk around the campus on a beautiful day. The idea is to subtly incorporate the idea of college as a goal, and a cool place where learning happens. Here in DC, I highly recommend taking in a basketball game at AU (Men's or Women's) as inexpensive entertainment and education at the same time.
And don't just visit one college. Visit one in the suburbs, and one in the city. One that is large, and one that is small. That way, when it comes time to think about college (sometime during Junior year of High School!) your child will have some basis for comparison, even before you start on your "official" college visits.
Take Things in Stride
The most important point, though, is DON'T STRESS, and don't stress out your kids! Parenting may seem like a marathon instead of a sprint, but ask a parent of a college student, and you will hear about how quickly they leave home! Enjoy your children, even when they are making you crazy. There will be plenty of time to worry about the SATs and a veritable alphabet soup of other tests. For now, try to live in the moment, and work on training in skills and independence that will pay off in the long run!
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